Have you ever been in a conversation with a friend and made the mistake of offering some well-meaning advice? Perhaps, you were discussing a relationship or work-related problem. Maybe it was something to do with the kids or a home-based business challenge. No matter the nature of the problem, somewhere along the way, you felt it was appropriate to share some advice.
This innocent advice might have started with the words, "You should..." or "Have you ever tried...." The moment you did this, the tone of the conversation changed. Your friend, who up to this moment, had been regaling you with endless problems, likely with immense passion, suddenly did one of two things and you probably didn't even notice.
The first possible behavior change was to jump on the defensive and begin generating massive excuses for the situation just described. This person does not take responsibility for herself and comes up with reason after reason, why the problem is someone else's fault or why it can't or couldn't have been prevented. The defensive person apologizes for living, but probably is not interested in solving the problem at all. Truly, she just wants to complain. When you offer a solution (some advice) she has to work twice as hard to get back to discussing the problem and away from a solution-oriented conversation.
The second behavior change is anger and resentment. Unlike the defensive person, the angry person probably would like to find a solution to the problem, but she can't hear or appreciate your advice or any advice, for that matter, but the resistance happens for a very different reason.
When this happens, you probably won't know that the person is no longer listening to you. Your friend has likely taken the route of silent anger or hostility and you have been completely tuned out. Of course, this person is polite and still appears to be listening and engaged in the conversation, but that person is no longer hearing you. In fact, she is actually mad at you.
What did you do to deserve this unkind, albeit unknown treatment? Were you pushy, interfering or rude? Probably not. Were you demanding, condescending or disinterested-sounding, as you delivered your advice? This, too, is unlikely.
No, your well-meaning advice is not accepted because your friend wants to figure things out on her own. She doesn't want to be told what to do. She doesn't want to be coached. She is resentful of you because you have just become the proverbial know -it-all. You have implied that you have all the answers when she doesn't.
Oftentimes, the problem runs still deeper. Not only do you seem to have the answers and she doesn't, but she, very likely, lacks the skills to find the answers on her own. It is not a lack of intelligence that causes this reality, rather it is a lack of skill, a lack of problem solving skills. Strong problem solving skills, possibly the single best stress management technique or tool available today, is not something we are born with and unfortunately, it is not something we learn in school to any great degree.
In the old days, we may not have been any better at problem solving, but we had back up systems in the form of extended families, we spent more time outside the home listening to others ideas and opinions, and the problems were far less complicated than they have become in the last 50 years. Some would say it is a lost cause.
So there is no shortage of problems to discuss or complain about endlessly, but many of us lack adequate problem solving skills and are too embarrassed to ask for help. We have become islands and we believe that we must go it alone. We think we have to figure it out for ourselves. We are so sold on this crazy idea, that we would rather suffer endlessly than reach out for advice or ideas from those we care about. We say we are not ready; we shut doors on friends and family who may have good, even great ideas; and worst of all, we endure our problems and stress endlessly.
Like most chronic diseases today, stress and problems are self-inflicted and self-perpetuated. There are solutions and answers available and you never know, one of the best solutions or answers just might come from some innocent advice offered by a friend or family member. So instead of becoming defensive or resentful and angry, take a moment to listen to friendly advice and evaluate it objectively. Try it out or ask some questions or do some research, but whatever you do, don't overlook or tune out those jewels of wisdom from a friend.
We are in the midst of the information age or knowledge economy or whatever you want to call it and it hasn't been possible for a single person to know everything there is to know since the days of Leonard Da Vinci. Essentially, you have three choices, you can improve your problem solving skills, you can listen to advice and ideas from people who care or you can suffer, preferably in silence, because there is nothing worse than listening to someone who complains all the time about everything and never seems to move forward or never tries to solve the problem.
